bye bye baby B.

bye bye, baby B...

I thought it was impossible to write about you. Your name by itself could hurt me. I thought writing about you would carve another lines of scar in my heart. I thought the memories with you would suffocate me in the river of pain. I thought another roman letter written for you would overshadow the ancient cross that I had put over your picture. I thought it was too torturous to reminisce what you had said or done to me. I thought the vicious cycle would start all over again. I thought my love for you would reform. I thought my fortress would be feeble. I thought your armor of love would strike again. I thought the lance would throb into me. I thought I would bleed to death. I thought it was better to forget about you. I really thought so.

I would never ask you to come back. I do not write here to beg. You are way too wrong to think so. I just need this particular space of mine to express what I have been holding for you all these years. I write this to get a clearer picture of you. I want to clarify my feelings for you. I do not want any of us to be in daze anymore. I had enough grails broken and plates shattered. I had enough furniture stolen and roofs leaked. I had enough lands sold and shops closed. I do not think I can do this anymore. I tried to erase you from my lanes of thoughts but you happened to come out again. I deleted you from my contact list but you never deleted me in yours. I avoided you in all social gatherings but my friends never failed to ask for your updates. I spent hundreds each time I shopped to forget you. I even went back to my hometown just to get you eradicated. I do not know how you did it. One day I realized I had nowhere to hide. You were everywhere

The night was plain and normal at first. I saw stars forming splendiferous constellations and moon reflecting the blissful ray of sun. It was sometime in the middle of the month thus I did not ponder much on the reason for such cosmic resplendence. The cool wind soothed my itchy ears and chased the mosquitoes away. I could sense the water droplets within it bedewing my bare face. I somehow found that wetness inspiring and pleasant. Then I heeded the screeches of a wild owl coming from one of the abandoned trees. I enjoyed them as if they were the most mellifluous sounds I had ever heard. The smell of fallen roses from above succeeded in proving their mightiest redolence. I was the happiest person on a swing that time. Everything was hypnotic. I slowly fell asleep

I thought the ataraxis was forever. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Hypnos clearly drove me to the wrong end of dreams. The dream that I had was the absolute representation of horror. It could not be more nightmarish; I swear. I was thrown onto a wrecked ship by a mysterious force; the force that I could not resist, of course. The sky was staggeringly dark; no sun, no moon, and no stars. Then, the ghoulish clouds horrified me to the bone. The gelid wind perfectly indicated the upcoming storm. The mephitic smell from the ocean was too acute for my nose. I could not sense any crepuscules of cordiality over the deck; even the sail was full with ribbons of crimson blood. Then the storm began with continuous strikes of lightning playing their horrifying cadences. It was raining. I failed to bear the fear. I decided to find some cabin to protect me; from this constant devilish exposure

The cabin was scary. Yes, no other words could succinctly describe it better. The paintings hung on the tattered black walls were full of half-human images. Some were drawn with pictures of Faun. One or two of them depicted the face of ifrit and the others gnomes. The smell was somehow aromatic - this freaked me out of course. Then I saw a skull stagnantly placed on a desk. Before I started having real goose bumps, I heard the sound of a harpist playing his instrument. The boisterous storm could not be heard anymore; totally covered by the music. Then the music paused. I was stupid enough to know why. I angled to the source of the sound. It was a beautiful lady; with fangs

Then she stood up, threw her golden harp away, and careened to me. The door to the first room was suddenly closed. I could not run away. I was trapped inside an unknown space with a shuddery ghost. I obviously failed to remain composed. I shivered like an armless hunter who saw a tiger. I trembled like a politician who had his secrets revealed. The beauty of the ghost had completely gone in seconds. What left was only an ugly creature marching towards me. Towards me. I found a vase and threw it to her, but it trespassed . I prayed to God but it was not heard. I was engulfed by the horror of the ghost. Then she raised her hands and got them on my neck. I was choked.

I was smothered as trying to free myself. I spit to her wrinkled face. It was pointless. She had me asphyxiated for a few minutes. I juggled to be relinquished from her cadavery figure but failed in pain. She asked me with her coarse voice, “What have you done to me? What have you done to me?”. I was startled to speak back in shock. I believed I never knew her in my entire life. Then she started shouting and laughing. She said she was me, in seventy years time; I caused her to die in tremendous sorrow and deep loneliness. Before I even opened up my mouth to respond, she already did hers. Her jaws were gigantically broadened. She tried to gulp me in but I was too weak to fight back. My limbs were all numbed. I could not even feel my own sweat. My head was thoroughly inside her mouth. Her fangs and my neck were the only borders between the two zones; her throat and my torso. I screamed out the unheard groan. It was indeed futile. My head was swallowed

Then I woke up. I was lost in my own dream, my own nightmare. I was still at the yard of my house. This time I was alone; the owl, roses, moon, stars, dew, and wind had gone without me. Then I felt queasy. The face of the ghost was too vivid to forget. I moved inside and searched for my phone. I called my best friend at five in the morning. She did not answer me. Then I texted her boyfriend and received some replies. He told me to forget about the ghost appeared in my dream and move forward. I tried to listen to his feedback but apparently failed. I could not sleep afterwards. I still could not fathom her question to me. What have I done to her?

The same question kept lingering on my mind for hours. I already saw the sun shining brightly through my window but my body was still restlessly moving all over my bed. The sun was still, but my mind was not. I rose from the bed and moved to the next room. My laptop was on. And so was my messenger. I thought everyone was offline until your windows suddenly topped my whole screen. You wished me good morning and stuff. I was hesitant to reply you at first, but seeing your insistence on asking me about my updates melted my heart away. I knew how you looked like but I never really talked to you. You were my forbidden city. And you were also my Jerusalem. I never had the guts to approach you. Your sudden interest in me triggered me to further the conversation. Then I told you about my ghostly dream. Again, you were interested. You said my friend was wrong in his feedback. You gave me the best feedback that I needed that time. It was fresh and dulcet. I could not actually recall how your suggestions were but I was totally charmed by them. Typical me, remember feelings over facts. Your feedback was triumphant

We intermittently chatted for a few hours that day. We stopped chatting for a few times for some reasons. The first one was you wanted to watch some stupid cartoon on TV. The second one was you were called to help up your mom with the laundry. The last one was your teatime with her. All of your reasons were somehow adorable to my lovelorn heart. The following days were all about you. I went online for you. I reorganized my contact list for you. I skipped my meals for you. I finished up all the house chores earlier just to not miss you online. I was stupid to be easily beguiled by your casual talks. Serendipitously, I did not miss your presence. We chatted every day and night, as if the world was totally about us. There was once you were not online for a few days. It beleaguered me to hell. I felt a severe deprivation. I texted you a few times to ask where had you been. I knew it was quite weird to send you SMS’s but I just could not help my hands. Then you asked me why my SMS’s sounded important. I told you they were academic. I feigned that they were platonic. At that moment I already knew something. You were meteoric. I had already fallen in love with you

Then the school started and you were one of the first persons I saw there. Lanky and lean, you stood up and waved at me. You wore a blue t-shirt. It was much plainer than what I was wearing. I could not say ‘No’ to myself. I walked straightaway to you. I had already eaten my breakfast but I pretended as if I had not; simply because I wanted to eat with you. I observed you chewing the steak inside your mouth while the other fellows busy talking about PlayStation and Wii. Then you finished eating and joined them crapping. You were still unconscious that there was a girl infatuated by your cherry lips and porcelain skin. I could not believe that you were that porcelain. Not even a single pimple was there; on your immaculate princely face. I never thought that I would meet such guy at that age. I could not believe that this perfection existed, and it was literally next to me

I tried my hardest to enroll in the same class as you. I had no idea whether it was lustfully or platonically motivated. What I knew was the motivation was strong and unbeatable. I tried my hardest to draw your precious attention. I knew it was hard to get, but I never gave up. I wanted it so badly; as if my whole universe revolved around you, as if my soul solely belonged to you. I dressed strikingly. Vests, cardigans, jackets, and shirts were all on me. I adorned my hair everyday to look good in front of you. I spoke out as much as I can in our classes just to impress you. I attempted to prove that I was as smart as you were with all the efforts possible. I pretended as if I visited library every day. I lied to my friends that I was busy so that I can go out with you. Besides that, I faked so many things to you. I told you that the self that I exhibited was purely me. I proclaimed the values that never had been mine. I had become the biggest impostor ever. All for you. All for you.

The day you promised to be in the same group as mine for the philosophy assignment was one of the most beautiful days in my life. I was beyond delighted. There was no exact word could describe the joy that I had. My prince charming liked me; personally and professionally. We took the excuse of work discussion to have dinner together. We ate together at all the reachable stalls and restaurants. My feelings for you grew stronger during our late night supper at McDonald. You told me eating at McDonald was the embodiment of the simple life that you aspired. You shocked me with your simplicity at first. But then you started talking about Wu Wei, Zarathustra, and Epicureanism. The plain simplicity that I thought you held morphed to a labyrinthine complexity. Then we grabbed a newspaper to read. I saw an article talking about Jimmy Carter. I asked you if Jimmy Carter was the younger brother of Nick Carter. You burst out laughter. Your loud voice mortified me. I blushed out in red. I could not understand the fun at first. Then I mustered the guts to ask you. You told me Jimmy Carter was the one who dealt with Egyptians and Israelis back in the late 70’s. Apparently Jimmy Carter was a president, and not a singer. I felt like falling from a cliff to a dumpster before sent to a wasteyard. I was deeply mortified. Then you told me the other policies that Mr. Carter was involved with. I could not find you any sexier than that. You mesmerized me with your political stances, steadfast religious beliefs, and philosophical ideas. Your words were phrased wisely so that the sentences formed would sound classic. Your sexually loaded accent was enthralling; making the whole conversation and meals at Mc Donald more gratifying. You were more delicious than the Mc Value meals that I had. Yes, you were that delicious.

Our social discussions did not end up there. We dragged them everywhere, especially to our group work discussions and late night suppers. I was entirely overwhelmed by your awareness of world politics and economics. You were very opinionated. I had no idea how you could be that globally aware. I had never cared about the world. I did not care how many times the Palestinians had lost their olive orchards. I did not care how did Michael Gorbachev’s resignation had great impacts during the cold war. I did not care, or maybe worse, I never cared. What I cared were me, myself, and I. My potent psychological and physical abilities were my priorities. Not the world. Then, I actually read the whole book of Critique of Pure Reason by Kant just to find good arguments against you. I had no idea what had possessed me, got into me like some evil soul. I was urged to beat you in every sense that I could. Losing to you was very unacceptable for me. It was a divine blessing that I scored 100 in the test that we both struggled for like mad. The best part was you did not score 100. I was 100 percents happy that time.

 Then the finals came. I tried to leave the thoughts about you aside. I earnestly endeavored to not think about you. I did not reply any of your dinner invitations. I locked my door when you tried to come in. I faked my sleep when you asked my roommate. I skipped my church lessons just to not encounter you. I planned to study, not to be bifocal. Nevertheless predestinations were impossible to push away. They would be stuck at you forever. Like your soul to your body. I saw you at the corner of the restroom. You were patiently waiting for me. The philosophy text book was on your Elysian hands. You actually read the book inside the toilet. Your table was the wet sinks and your chair the stained floor. I never imagined this would happen to me; someone would actually do this for me in reality. Then I asked you in innocence why you were there. You replied to me in raucousness. You hastened to me like a lion to its prey. I was the luckiest girl on earth. You lips finally touched mine

The following scenes should be unmentionable. It was transcendentally sensual. You took me to me to the ultimate high; the zenith that I had never been at. You started with your series of carnal kisses . It jolted me like stirring thunders. Then you caressed my neck with your balmy tongue before you fondled my hips with your gentle palms. Everything was lancinating, including your serene blue eyes. I could feel your fringe flipping on my forehead. Your saturated black hair reminded me of the Monacan prince that I dreamt to be with. Your wand casted the greatest spell that throbbed deeply into me. I was bewitched. I was carried away to the world of Zen. I could not stop the heat from your body to flow into mine. Like a suppressed volcano, I erupted out all my inner passions. I tore apart your stupid Batman t-shirt. I had only one stupid thought on my mind. I want you; physically and personally. Your scent of masculine sweat brewed my hormones to their boiling points. The small room of mine had turned to a traditional chateau. The stupid fluorescent lights were now the majestic chandeliers. Your skin was not porcelain. It was phosphorescently porcelain. It was even fairer than mine. I loved it. Your long legs were not just long. They were sturdily long. I admired them. Your muscles were the best sceneries that I had ever seen; immaculately pasted on your bones. I worshipped them. You had the perfect amount of flesh. You were a fallen greek god, who happened to fall on me, literally. I felt blessed.

The night was perfectly perfect until I asked you a question. I asked you how you felt about me. I asked you whether there was love in your heart. I asked you to be honest with me. I wanted to know. Surprisingly, you said you did not know. I was in a quandary. I had been in love with you for four months yet you still had no idea how you felt about me; even after the best four hours that we just shared together. I was shocked. I pushed you aside. I insisted for answers. You and your velvet voice tried to persuade me. You said that was normal for starters. Then I asked you what interested you the most, my body or my brain. You were speechless. I asked you to leave and you actually did. I mourned you all night long till the morning. The next day, the exam paper was out of hands. I could not think clearly of what I wrote in my catastrophic essay. I heard you could not answer the paper too from your friends. I started to think that you might have been disturbed as well. At least I managed to disturb you. It was meaningful enough.

We did not talk for three weeks. I heard a girl asked you out and you said yes. I heard you kissed and made out with her. I heard you treated her lunch every day. I heard you went on vacation with her. Fortunate me, I also heard the other sides of the stories. You were playing my favorite Elton John’s song over and over again on your way to Bali. I, myself, heard that once while passing in front of your room for uncertain reasons. I was also told by my friend that you dedicated “Something about the Way You Look Tonight” song to me on radio. My friend told me that I did my best impression to you during your birthday party in my black and white gown and newly straightened hair. Then I recalled giving you the special Secret Recipe’s cake that I bought for you. You told me your biggest secret that night. Your mom never wished you happy birthday and you never talked to her for years. I was initially petrified. In fact my limbs were crippled for seconds and veins frozen. Then you said you had no more secret to me. I held your hand mildly and said “No, you still do. You still have Secret Recipe,”. Then we both smiled at each other and walked back in each other’s hugs to our hostel. You played with my hair as I fingered yours. It was perfect.

Then new semester began. I saw you from a distance in the enrollment hall. I wanted to approach you but did not dare to. You were busy with your friends and so was I. I saw you talking to the girl that was rumored to be with you during the holidays. I suspected and speculated negative things from you as usual. I even suspected of your homosexuality upon seeing you sitting on your course mate’s laps. Then you suddenly pulled out a piece of Advocate Magazine from your bag. I was beyond furious. It totally outraged me. I began to think that you were confused of your feelings to me because of your uncertain sexuality. I could not help myself anymore. I walked off from the hall right after I submitted my suggestive timetable. I could not bear looking at your face anymore.

The bed incident was traumatizing, especially for me who never did such thing with anyone before. For me, feelings do matter. I would not be a slut just because all of my friends were. My virginity was my virtue. I would never give it to any man randomly. I isolated myself more that semester. I ignored my friends. I did not answer their phone calls. I deleted their messages. I even blocked some of them. I became the most personal person ever. I told everyone that my personal life was personal to shut them up. I could not blame them for asking me some questions about my health and academics. They were my friends. They deserved to know. It just that I did not want to start any conversation with them because I knew you would be one of the topics discussed. I could not lie to them that everything was fine. It was not fine to think of you all 24/7 while you were not even around for a second. This time I avoided all classes that you were in. I seriously did not want any entanglements with you. I wanted to get rid of you from my mind.

I was totally into you. More than Bella was to Edward. More than Romeo was to Juliet. And more than Desdemona to Othello. Maybe I exaggerated but believe me boy, you were that sweet. There was once I borrowed a book about vacations in the US from the stupid library. I saw a small article about Mountain Franklin in New Hampshire. The mountain’s name was taken from Benjamin Franklin’s name. Yes, BENJAMIN Franklin. I was pissed off. I started cursing the stupid library for providing stupid books. Then I took another one. It was about travelling in the Europe. I thought the book was innocuous. Who knew the first page talked about Turkey, the country that you used to visit once. You proudly told me about that. I slammed the book on its covers and returned it back. I headed to the entrance of the library and walked off. You were there. Peeping at me, standing still like a statue; a statuesque one.

Benjamin I missed you. Everything I was involved in that time was done horribly. I did not even touch my home works and tutorials. I was crushed, ravaged, and rampaged upon your absence. I was soaked in the pond of confusions. I was scorched in the hell of torment. I was desiccated by your sun of mystery. I was chopped off into million pieces of transparent entities. I did not answer the entire paper for my Algebra test because of you. I was too obsessed with you. Your eyes, your hair, your nose, your hug, and basically your whole self were the things that I succumbed to. You were like the deepest black hole in the entire space. You just vacuumed everything in, brutally, and inhumanely. You suddenly became the icon for of bad guy for me. Your absence was too hard for me. I once thought I was Venus and you were Mars. I was wrong. I was just the unvisited Pluto; which would never be hit by you, the Halley’s Comet. I want you to be back.

It was celestial. You actually came to me after days of incessant atrocity. You told me you had an emergency. You wanted me to help you with the university application essays. You, being you, were as cute as ever. You said I had been inspiring for you the whole past semester. You said you now needed the inspiration back. I said fine. I decided to help you out. You told me why you wanted to do Biotech. You told me how your uncle encouraged you. You told me how your visions were. You told me you were smart but you also told me I was smarter. There’s something about your stupid jokes that would never miss to hit me. I was somehow entertained. I decided to write the whole essay for you. You were reluctant at first but I insisted that you should not. I forced you to believe in me.

The essay was completely written in three hours. You were excited with the result. Then, you took me to the playground next to our college. You said you wanted your own baby, the mini you. I convinced you that you would have one sometime in the future. You shocked me with the ‘No’. You told me you were operated back in high school years after being shot by a robber. You told me they did something to your system so that particular dream of yours would never be attained. I laughed at your stories. Stupidly. I thought you were joking. Then you showed me the scar under your navel. I was stunned. You actually had one big secret kept. I thought I knew you but in fact I did not. Then I gave you my warmest embrace . You were calmed down. Then we talked about our past in Redang and Phuket. You told me you missed those moments. We both chased each other while playing kites under the amber sunset by the sea shores. You missed me the stupid kites. You missed the sand castle that we built together. You missed the pebbles that we counted together. You missed me.

We both decided to buy crayons on our way home. You said you wanted to draw my face on a canvas. We both led to your house. The emblazonments of your house were spectacular. I saw a Picasso’s piece on the wall. I did not have doubts on the genuineness. I knew that you could afford everything. The golden unicorn statue at the hall was very classy. The Japanese swords were spectacular. I had never seen such luxuries in my entire life. I felt foreign in your house. I had never been that rich; genuinely rich. I had always been a pseudo. Then you took me to your art studio. You wanted to draw me, the entire me. I was literally naked in front of you. I bared all to you. I gave my all to you.

I was beautifully drawn on the canvas. You somehow managed to make me look like a greek goddess; the perfect match for you, a greek god. The hair was luscious. The eyes were alive. The breasts, the hips, and the limbs, all perfectly depicted. You made me feel like an imperial figure. I never knew that you were the master of tone colors. I never knew that you were the duke of accuracy. You drew me perfectly, before you laid on me on another piece of canvas. We were all in colors. The emptiness on the canvas was entirely replaced with our aesthetic bodily patterns. The result was quite messy but I liked it

You fell asleep. I promised myself to remain awake. It was too precious to let the chance of observing you in your most natural state go. Your well-refined eyelashes, they melted me. Your well-knit eyebrows, they pierced me. Your eyes by themselves lured me. Then I observed the other parts of you that I never had really analyzed. Your ears were pungently sculpted. They were sharp, but not as sharp as that of elves. Your squared jaw was your strongest point I think. It was the most important locus on your face. If Ganymede ever existed, he would have looked like you, indefinitely. I admitted that your torso was voluptuous. I swallowed the fact that you were as tall as a tower. I admitted that I was in love with you

You woke up. You noticed that I did not sleep the whole night. You asked me why and I told you that I was so scared of losing you. I told you that you were the best thing that ever happened in my whole life. If eternity did exist, it had to be you. You gave me the warmest hug ever. Then we started staring at each other like two innocent kids. It was the most blissful silence that I had ever been in. No voice - only gestures and glances. I asked you for the second time how did you feel about me. I asked you how your heart beat when it came to me. You told me you liked me, if not you would not be hugging me tightly. But that ‘L’ word was not the ‘L’ word that I wanted to hear. I asked directly to your face, “Did you ever love me?” You said yes; unequivocally.

The first few following weeks were perfect. We were the Bonnie and Clyde of the twenty first century. You were by my side all the time. We spent all the time possible with each other. You kept giving me surprises. You never failed to appear on time. You never hurt my feelings, not even once. I was supremely touched by your generosity, patience, and presence. I never felt like this to any other men. You cooked for me when I was sick. You gave me flowers when I received lower scores than you in tests. You helped me out of the gargantuan hole of loneliness. Your phone calls and messages were my meteors of love. You were somehow the manna for me.

Then you were gone for a month for a course abroad. You failed to call me due to ‘network problems’. I was desolate, as alone as ever. I had no idea who to talk to when the sky collapsed. I had no idea who to be with when I felt cold at nights. I had no idea who you were with while I ‘socialized’ with my afflictive emotions. I could not live alone anymore. I decided to go out with my new circle of friends. I tried to make the most out of them. I laughed all the way with them. We talked about world politics, myths, and moralities. Thanks to you I knew all these stuff. After that, one of my friends asked me whether I was still single or not. Then I said, “Yeah, I am,”. I realized something. We had never been official. We never exclusively declared that we were lovers. I started sensing the loss of my ground

It was the third week of your leave. The sky was bright but my heart was dark. Summer’s bird flew away all around the world but my love for you stood still. Everything was the same until I met a friend of mine who had ended her studies for her kids. She got married to an abusive guy, who appeared nice at first. She thought the guy was the love of her life. She gave him three sons, and one of them was physically challenged. Her husband left her for another man. She almost committed suicide but saved by her parents. She told me to not be married to anyone. She told me that commitments and expectations were the causes of the devastations in life. She could barely buy a lipstick. She already forgot how to speak proper English. She could not spend a second for herself. She loved her kids but she could not help them to suffer less. She felt disappointed over her failures in life; the failures caused by her marriage with the man that she thought she was in love with.

You finally came back to the college. It was our last semester. You told me the program was only for a month, but apparently it was not. You were gone for three consecutive months; the whole of the previous semester. You told me you had excuses and reasons for that. You told me the kids in the social program that you were involved in needed you so much. You told me they did not know how to spell their own names. You told me they liked you more than their own families. You told me that to play with those kids was the best thing in your life. You told me that you gave them lives. I was happy for you, but not for myself. You actually deserved to be with the kids. You were too childish to give me such excuses.

I was in the best cycle of friends that I could have ever imagined. I had a loyal confidant, in fact two loyal confidants. I had a friend who always idolized me no matter what I did. I had an admirer who was pleased by my personality. I even had a lecturer who was totally attracted to me. The last semester was somehow perfect without you within my close proximity. We were acting cold towards each other. We were nowhere to be seen together. You were you, and I was me. You seemed interested to approach me but I did not reciprocate. I never told you the reason

Now we are going to two different directions. You are headed to the west and I am headed to the east. I believe you deserve to know all these. I hate to be in such commitment. Commitments would never guarantee anything in the future, especially the personal ones. I do not want to be stuck with someone for my entire life with no certain rewards. We humans will never know what the future would bring. Disasters or blessings, they can be too extreme sometimes. I do not dare to take the risks. I am a coward at this department. I would never be able to know whether you would be the perfect match for me in ten years time. I would also never be able to know whether I would be the perfect march for you. The future is vague, everything is in haze. I actually enjoyed being in with my friends. I was too obsessed with you and you and you. Everything was about you, with you, and for you. I started losing my sense of self. I did not want that to happen. I decided to explore the world; to take the risks in the public life before the personal. I wanted to breathe in the clear air first. Not to say that you were polluted, but the atmosphere with you was different with the one with my friends. I was too scared if I would be nothing once you were away. I needed to be myself first. I needed to find me first.

You were my Shirota Yuu. You were my Dennis O’Neil. You were my Robert Pattinson. You were my Tom Cruise. You were my James Dean. You were my Dan Humphrey . You were my Lancelot. You were my Hercelus.

You were my hero.You were my my Eden but you were also my Inferno

This beautiful letter is beautifully written for you. You were the beauty that had beautified my ‘unbeautiful’ life. You yourself were beautiful This idealistic letter is idealistically written for you. You were the ideal that had idealized my non-idealistic life. You yourself were idealistic. This perfect later is beautifully written for you. You were the perfection that had perfected my imperfect life. You yourself were perfect.