i longed to lie

I lied. Yes, I truly did. I lied to your face without much qualm. I knew it was sinful, but I still had the guts to do so. I had volumes of things to hide up from you. I could not think of another way to resort to if not by lying to you. It was like imbibing simmering water in a drought season. It was like hammering my own head with a silver mallet. It was like whipping myself in public. It was like executing a baby for a life time imprisonment. It was like seeing my own brother being stabbed with a bayonet. It was hard to be seen. It was even harder to be experienced.<br /><br /><br />You told me you were fine with me. Of course you were; you never knew the truth. I had been pretending throughout our relationship. The bond between us had been fake. I had been totally aware of that; not like you, who had been lied, over and over again. You thought I was being sincere to you. Sadly, I was not. I had never told you about my real intentions. I always played hide-and-seek with you. It had been very pitiful that you did not know that I was playing with you. You thought it had never been a game between us. You thought everything was for real, while I knew every single thing was not.<br /><br /><br />I was smitten with guilt throughout all these. I did not lie to you once. I lied to you each time we talked. I bet you would have discovered the most disgusting element on earth if you knew the truth about me. Pathetically, you never did. You thought I was a standard one student who knew nothing but innocence. You thought I was a bird who never forgot to return home to feed her child. You thought I was a Christian missionary who would donate money for the sake of spirituality. The truth had been far from what you had been seeing. I had never been that nice to you. Even harsher, I had never been that nice to anyone.<br /><br /><br />I feigned neutrality when I did not have to. I enjoyed your company so did not want you to leave. I wanted to be seen with you so that I would be considered socially eminent. I liked talking to you so that I could feel existent. Unfortunately, everything was all about me. Nothing was about you. Once I felt that you were no longer needed, I left you without explanations. I knew I could not bear this onerous situation anymore but I had no choices to choose from. I had to endure this. I knew you would mince me into pieces if you found out about everything. I knew you would feel chiseled. I knew you would feel afflicted. I knew you would be traumatized. I knew the effects would not be ephemeral. Ultimately, I also knew that I could not do anything. I only knew that I owed you an apology. Sorry.