light.

I'll let you be the light so that my days will be forever bright.
I'll let you be the light so that all the seven days would be gone through in delight.
I'll let you be the light so that I don't have to experience this dark night.
I'll let you be the light 'cause you make me feel everything is alright.
Let there be light in my life in the form of you. Let there be light.

veneration.

"Oh, give me of the kisses of your mouth, For your love is more delightful than wine.Your ointments yield a sweet fragrance,Your name is like finest oil. Therefore do maidens love you. Draw me after you, let us run. The king has brought me to his chambers. Let us delight and rejoice in your love, Savoring it more than wine. Like new wine they love you!"

Songs of Songs.

Chapter 1, 1-4.

overt, explicit, and naked.

You are what you do, you are what you say, you are what you eat, and you are what they see. 

I believe in the behavioral approach of psychology at times. It gives me the most simplistic way to perceive the world, or even ourselves with justice and ample evidence. Behavioral approach simply describes who we are when we start to get confused with the definition of “ourselves.” Our sense of reality is consistently mixed with others’ senses of reality and behavioral approach helps us see our real values whenever this mixture forms. It teaches us to be aware of our behaviors because they are what define us. Behavioral approach also encourages us to use the heuristic rule of understanding which makes the complicated unsophisticated. 

We don’t know who we are in many circumstances. We just go with the flow to eradicate our sense of responsibility or burden of constant self-identification. We fail to be ourselves when others are around and society judges us. There are times in everyone’s life when he or she falls to the trap of social systems. People, regardless of their ages and genders, have the penchant to conform to their environments to gain the most out of something. They could get gold and silver if they do so but they tend to forget that gold and silver, like other forms of extraterrestrial wealth, are episodic. Nothing lasts forever. Even ourselves. 

So if ourselves- the bodies, behaviors, and thoughts of ours do not last forever, some might ask, why bother to be ourselves? The answer is simple. We are satisfied to be ourselves. Everything we do, we earn personal gratification from it. Any development, personal or professional, that is driven by our own need to feel accomplished, would be much more appreciated by us. 

Every room in our heart should belong to us. If someone tries to occupy an inch of our hearts for their enjoyment and benefits, we have to make sure they pay for the cost. The same thing goes to us when we make someone put some efforts to help us. Everything is about reciprocity. That’s how the world works. What we do, we get back. As I say above, we are what we do. If we are mean to others, the others would be mean to us back. Life is fair after all. Ok, I might be influenced by just world phenomenon, but I like to remind others that people don’t see what they don’t see. Thus, don’t expect them to see through you if don’t show them who you really are. Overt behaviors rule the world.

si comel.

Kau buat ku girang ketika yang lain membawa malang. Kau buat bintang yang jauh ada di depan. Kau buat peraturan longgar dan mudah dilanggar. Kau sejukkan hatiku ketika ku kepanasan. Kau sentap jantungku dengan harapan tatkala semuanya pudar. Aku sukakan senyumanmu, kerana senyumanmu itu senyuman kegirangan. Aku liat untuk bangkit dari katil menghayati keindahanmu. Senyuman manjamu buat ku longlai, alpa definisi bekerja dan tungkus-lumus. Aku seronok kerana senyumanmu. Kau yang comel sentiasa di hati ku. Andai dirimu bukan pinjaman sekilas, andai dirimu bukan bintang yang jauh, akan ku peluk mu sehingga siang, setiap hari dan malam. Kau lah puncaku gila bayang. Kau lah si comelku.

racun.

Aku mahu mati. Jika hari esok berulang lagi tanpa dirimu, aku rela mati. Hari ini sudah keparat, jahanam, bukan kepalang. Hari semalam dipenuhi gerimis dan hujan lebat. Hari esok sudah kukesan bayangan gempa dan kilat. Aku tidak bisa lagi mendengar deria-deriaku mengadu kesakitan, dihimpit dinding-dinding kubur kesengsaraan. Aku seram sejuk menghitung hari-hariku di bumi. 

Aku terbayang-bayang diriku menjadi mayat hidup; sejuk, beku, pucat, dan ditinggalkan. Aku beradu dengan emosi kasarku siang dan malam. Aku bertapa di gua paksaan. Aku ditekan-tekan sangkar pencapaian. Pencapaianku sering dibanding-bandingkan, oleh mereka yang sentiasa hampa, yang sentiasa gagal mengukir senyuman. Aku gagal setiap hari tanpamu.

Aku sebak tiap kali fajar bermula. Bergema-gema jeritan ketaksuban pada kebebasan. Aku letih, lesu, merayu pada yang ghaib, pada yang sepatutnya memberi. Aku ragu dengan pembalasan murni. Aku hanya diperlihatkan barang-barang neraka kebencian. Aku hanya dihadiahkan bilik penjara atas nama kebajikan. Aku hanya dihidangkan makanan tanpa zat dan khasiat, untuk bekalan . Aku hanya dipandang untuk diketawakan. Aku dimaki, diherdik, dan diludah, di jalanan. Aku tidak dipandang walaupun mentari menyinar. Aku tidak wujud bagi mereka. Fajarku tidak bermakna apa-apa. Tangisan subuhlah temanku. Ke malam ku bawa titisan-titisan air mataku. Ke hari esok ku melangkah, hanya untuk bergerak dalam roda yang sama; roda yang hasad padaku, yang pastikan aku kekal di bawah, gagal memanjat mencari sinar sebenar.

Semuanya gagal menjalinkan jaringan-jaringan harapan. Semuanya hanya ikatan-ikatan kabus. Aku meronta inginkan konkrit yang benar dalam kehidupan. Aku mahu lari tapi aku tiada destinasi. Titi-titi harapan palsu sentiasa dibina oleh hantu-hantu kebodohan. Bangang. Bodoh. Tolol. Aku benci semuanya. Aku rasa aneh tanpamu. Kehidupanku ku anggap kematianku. Kegembiraanku ku anggap bayangan kesedihanku. Aku rapuh tanpamu, rapuh, rapuh , serapuh-rapuhnya. Serapah jampi ingin ku jadikan zikirku. Serapah jampi ingin ku jadikan rukun-rukun pendirianku. 

Aku hanya mahu kau kembali, agar berkat syurga sampai ke struktur rusukku. Aku hanya mahu kau kembali, agar azimat kayangan sampai ke selaput tengkorakku. Aku hanya mahu kau kembali, memberi definisi baru kepada punca-punca darahku. Aku hanya mahu kau kembali, memberi tafsiran baru kepada diriku. Yang mati biar mati. Yang hidup biar hidup. Mengapa sukar yang hidup untuk menghembus nafas kepada yang mati? Mengapakah perlu yang hidup mengikut hukum, sekadar memandikan, mengkafankan, dan mengebumikan yang mati? Mengapa perlu dirimu mengikut hukum ini? Mengapa aku yang dimatikan tatkala yang sakit tidak berharapan, yang keji, dan yang tidak berfungsi masih dibiarkan mencorak visi seterusnya? Aku mangsa ketidakadilan. Aku mangsa ketidakbetulan system. Aku hanya mahukan engkau, perawan pemberi harapan.

Arus kegelapan, arus ketidakberakhiran, arus keburukan, dan sudah pastinya tanpa rintangan, arus kebuntuan sentiasa meluru ke arahku. Ombak-ombak lava neraka sentiasa menenggelamiku. Aku serabut, inginkan kau sambut. Aku bercelaru, inginkan kau meluru, ke arah ku, ke arahku, sehingga kita bertemu. Selamatkanlah diriku yang kelemasan. Selamatkanlah diriku yang kehausan. Selamatkanlah diriku yang kelaparan. Selamatkanlah diriku yang dalam kejatuhan. Selamatkanlah diriku. Selamatkanlah. Aku mahu hidup.

the one fact about the one face.

          It does not matter whether I’m somewhere on my way back to New York from Boston or in a darkened, unlit cinema watching Step Up 3. Each time I feel lonely, deprived of love and attention, your face will be the face I see. Your face will be the first and only face I see whenever my vision gets blurry and my emotions conquer me. It's not like I secretly wish to love you forever. It's not like I secretly wish for you to call me and say sorry. It's not like I secretly wish to have you lean on my shoulder again. It's not like I secretly wish for you to come back. I don't secretly wish for anything, particularly anything that has something to do with you. I hate it when I feel like I'm fated to be this crazy over you.

        They call me delusional, you call me crazy, I call myself hopeless. It does not matter if new people come and break the walls in me. In the end, I will compare you and them. You are the angel of my heart, the heart breaker I will always adore, and the book I thought wasn't written with a sequel. I can not escape from you despite how many miles are there between us. You got me ensnared in this hideous mental snake pit. You locked me here without telling me this deliberate torture would be forever. I am unable to seek for help, unable to see any lights, and unable to set myself free. You caught me here for some uncertain reason you would never explain. I am in misery, and missing you like crazy.

          You changed me a lot. I tried my best finding my soul, my interests, and my real colors after you and I stopped talking to each other. Who knows all my changes only led me back to you. Your expectations on me were too high. They were unreachable, placed somewhere in some other invisible galaxy. I failed to meet them, again.

          Wait a minute, give me a break. What the hell am I doing writing all this? I only want to write something simple, something that can tell all in one wisely structured sentence. This is nothing like what I wanted to write. Nothing.

heaven, over Hayden.

I miss watching Jumper with you. Even though nothing romantic happened, even though nothing physical came into action, even though nothing heart-warming morphed into warm hugs, even though nothing sexual could be talked about from it, watching rhe movie with you definitely made me feel like jumping onto you right now. I didn't care about the heavenly figure called Hayden Christensen. I didn't care about the super duper cute little gal named Rachel Bilson. I didn't care about the mega Pyramids in the deserts, I didn't care about the remnants of Pantheon, I didn't care about the hectic traffics in Tokyo, and I didn't care about the frozen pond in Ann Arbor. My heart was all yours that time. So was my brain. The only thing I had in mind was a set of questions about you. I was so eager to discover you. I was so eager to be a part of you. I was so eager to know all the answers. Jumper was not a movie I watched for fun.was not a movie I really watched, after all. I didn’t watch the movie. I watched you, yeah, I watched you.